Saturday, September 19, 2009

30 days and counting!

I think I am begining to lose it. I feel like the computer from War Games (that old movie from the early 80's) I close my eyes and I am constantly playing wargames. What if we have surgery asap. What if our lungs are too weak. What if there was a mixup at the lab and... you can do it all day and in the end there is no plan or scheme or device that gets us an answer. 30 to 60 days is a ball park average for being in the NICU. A "internet" friend of ours was out in 7 weeks. Her defect looks very much like what I am seeing on the ultrasound... but there is no way that it is similar enough to extrapolate any meaningful information. Then she had some complications that hopefully we will be able to avoid because (more or less) the doctors failed to put a simple compression on the defect so it got bigger and required more of a fix. [The childs mother is Tiffany and she was one of the first people to reach out from the internet and guide us... when I think of her I picture angels wings and a full halo. She calmed me down. Her daughter is also beautiful and could easily be a child model... if I hadnt seen pictures of the defect (which Tiffany was so nice to share with us total strangers and voyeurs in her world ...) I would never have guessed she had the "O" at all.]

(Good example of my racing thoughts there... Had to go back and add brackets just so I could understand that one.)

Any way. Tiffany wanted nothing but the best for her daughter. She trusted the Doctors (because what other choice do we have?) and still had to finally make the decision to cart her off 6 hours away from home to Barnes in St. Louis to get a better result for her daughter... My biggest fear is that when it comes time to make the hard decisions I will be able to and won't spend the rest of my life second guessing those decisions. Ok maybe that isn't true... my biggest fear is making a decision and Bayta having a decreased life because of it.


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